It has been almost 6 years since I have gotten divorced.
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| courtesy: https://www.westerncape.gov.za |
I wanted to back out of my wedding 2 weeks before the time. I was told it is simply “cold feet”. That this was normal. I was told one year into my marriage that not loving the person anymore was inevitable and marriage is not based on love. That I should persevere.
I will never advocate divorce. It should really be the final decision you make. I will always spur people on to make things work and fight for one another; but this piece is not about that. This is about being beyond that space.
This is also not entirely comparable to a break-up. Dating someone for what may seem a lifetime is not parallel to being married. I have never heard a married person make that analogy. Do not disrespect those who have gone through it by saying they are the same. They are similar, but also completely worlds apart. Until you can stand in front of everyone you hold dear on this earth and proclaim out-rightly that this is the only other person you need in your life; and then have that vow broken and dragged out from underneath you that your nail marks show... Then you will fully understand. But till then breakups are a distant relation. A relation still, non the less.
I didn’t break my marriage to be with another person nor was it to find someone better than the incredible lady I committed to at the age of 22. I left because I wasn’t someone who could be loved. I couldn’t love my wife and I most definitely couldn’t love myself.
I was broken, selfish, unfaithful—an embodiment of men that I see today on the daily. I can identify it because I came from that. I can see the disregard for everyone and anyone; including themselves.
I had to leave my marriage, to live—to make some serious mistakes, feel the crippling pain of loneliness and discover who I was. I had to do this before we had two kids. A bond on a house. And before it broke both of us.
I managed to do that. Promised myself to get to know me, to know love and to be able to be happy within my own skin. I didn’t know this at the time, but I know this is why now.
The past three months I found myself reflecting over the 6 years after my divorce. I can, with full conviction, proclaim that it was the right decision. That I kept my promise to myself. That I wanted to be able to love. To be happy. And I found that love within myself.
The man I was at 26 is distorted to me, as the man I am now, at 31 (it feels like several lifetimes ago). The way I think is different. How I feel is different. The way I look is different—I’ve evolved. My evolution was dependent on my independence; I had to release myself from the safety net of my relationship and everything I knew before. To allow myself to be.
The hardest and most painful part of ending a marriage is leaving behind the companionship and partnership. Even years after. Even if the relationship was not fulfilling.
The moment we say “I do”, we embrace an immediate partner—an eating partner, a sleeping partner, an ‘essential social engagement’ attendee partner, a travel partner, a movie and TV watching partner, an ‘I can’t find my blue coat’ partner, a ‘replacing the bathroom lightbulb’ partner, a hand-holding partner, a fighting partner, a laughing partner, a sex partner, a parenting partner, a ‘I had the worst day at work and I really want to resign’ venting partner, and a ‘my mom is driving me insane’ partner.
It is agonising for anyone who has been lucky enough to experience this deep-rooted companionship, to leave it behind or be left behind by it; because your life will instantly become empty—the seat across from you at the table, empty. The empty seat next to you in your car as you drive yourself to a social event, empty. The bed isn’t as untidy in the morning, the bathroom remains cleaner, and the fridge is filled with expired food, because you bought too much; because that is what you are used to doing. Or it is completely empty because you avoid eating in and use it as the perfect excuse to not be eating alone.
There is a void. An absence.
There is no escaping this longing for another person during this period. Not only will we invite others into our lives, but we will also allow those who are unhealthy or just wrong for us, just so we don’t have to be by ourselves—and for a time; that is ok. We don’t realise just how desperately intentional it was; until we look back.
This is an experience we need to have, in order to recognise the process for discovering real love within ourselves and within our partners. I have learnt to become a master in recognising the difference between the times we simply are occupying space, because we feel empty; and, the times we choose to connect, because we feel fulfilled.
If there is anyone who has made more mistakes over the past few years, it is me. Yet, all those mistakes have led me to a significant place, a calm place, a place where love has found its way in and out.
For all the men (and women) who have boldly gone on to being divorced, I want to offer some perspective as you embrace your new life.
I hope whether you are 21, 31, 41 or 51, you can extract something valuable from my experience and apply it in your life.
So, here’s a guide to finding yourself after divorce.
1. Have Sex (frequently)
You have (most likely) spent years in a faithful and monogamous relationship. You have had no interest in others, nor attempted to interact with someone you found attractive at a social event or some public setting. Because you had very little time for those sorts of exchanges. You were committed to someone and perhaps you thought briefly of it, but you didn’t act on it.
It’s time to desire and be desired.
I have a naturally high appetite for intimacy. I haven’t explored this until after my marriage.
You need to be able to feed your most vital and primal needs without the weight of a relationship as you are healing and reclaiming your individuality. It is also one of the ways, to discover what you want and what you don’t want in a partner—sexually and romantically.
Make sure you understand the difference between love and lust. And what fulfilling both of those acts get you. What is it like to just have sex purely for pleasure? You are not a slut or a man-whore, you are not being irresponsible—you are having experiences and learning from them, simultaneously. Allow yourself to do so.
This is also your chance, to befriend your body and become comfortable in your skin. Trust me, your body has been waiting its entire life for you. Acknowledge what turns you on and arouses every part of you. But also what turns you off. Be a daring explorer—try new positions, role play, be the sex god you are afraid to have a partner lust after.
1.2: DATE!
Learn what it means to have a conversation with someone. To connect with someone. Get butterflies, be anxious, feel what it’s like to be vulnerable and free—to tell your life story to someone who has no clue about who you are.
But also pay consideration to how you pronounce yourself—this is how you feel about yourself.
When we are in our most exposed form, we are the closest to our authentic self—this is where love is found within and recognized by others.
Also know that some people will contract when coming into your presence… And others will expand when in your presence. Be able to see this in people.
2. Be celibate for a period.
I advise to do so in this order:
1. Date and have sex, then,
2. Be alone.
Be wild... Then tame yourself. Let your spirit be and experience all the things it needs to after a breakup. It’s like letting a horse out of a stable. She has been kept passive and her soul would need to experience her hair in the wind and being free. Let her out, let her gallop. She will tire eventually, return to a trot and go back to the stable to rest.
You will need time to process all of your experiences, so being alone and focusing on yourself is an organic progression on this path.
Don’t lose your sexuality during this period. Get yourself off as you need to. But do it by yourself. Buy yourself a vibrator, make use of porn (I suggest pornhub). And then curl up to the loneliness almost to the point you forget, yet miss what it’s like to have the weight of another feeling you, and just enough time, to feel content in your solo life; that you contemplate staying single forever, but know you could never become a priest or a nun.
This will allow you to not develop a dependency on others for intimacy or an addiction. But it is a vital phase to have.
3. Go away by yourself
Even if you have kids, get someone to watch them. If you work, take a 3 day long-weekend leave.
Do not make excuses about why you cannot go away by yourself.
Drink a bottle of merlot in your robe at 3pm on the balcony of your hotel room. Read a good book. Go to restaurants and eat foods you would never have eaten before. Try messy street foods or fine dining. Sit in a coffee shop by yourself for an hour at least. Read a book. Observe your surroundings. People-watch. Feel any feeling which comes up. For god’s sake, leave your phone behind. Be romantic with yourself and explore your surroundings. Explore a new city or a new country. Go lie on the beach all day and get sunburnt. Go to the mountains and hike until panic starts to set in, and you think you are lost. Sit at a bar—or a park—and strike up a conversation with someone about nothing. Be friendly and exchange a smile. And then be on your way.
Only when we are completely alone, do we realize how much we isolate ourselves from the world when we aren’t alone—when we are part of a couple. We hyper-focus on the other person.
Build an intimate relationship with adventure and the people you meet along the way; they’ve all got learnings to impart.
4. Take on something new.
Sign up for something. A class. A social group. Get a new degree. Apply for a job you would like to have but never thought you would be hired for. Quit the job you hate.
You will find your passion because you are looking for it.
This will open you to changing up your life, and allowing it to take on new directions and new passions.
5. Expand and contract your friendship circle.
For those who were married for extensive periods of time, friends of the opposite sex were relatively non-existent. There is value in platonic friendships with men and women. They offer a different perspective, necessary as you explore the single life.
We have a tendency to keep distance in our friendships when we are in a relationship or marriages, because of our priorities and lack of time to do it all. You now have the space and time; turn to your friendships and give them your time. The bond amongst groups of women or groups of men is invaluable. After this, you will never take them for granted again.
Divorce is like ripping off a blindfold–you will come to realise who your true friends are immediately. The way to know if a friendship is true is to make mistakes, hit rock bottom or get divorced.
The ones who stick around—those are your friends, keep them close. Look for the love they show you and give them love back.
6. Experience being in a relationship with someone
When you are ready, try being in a relationship with someone again. Observe how you feel. Fall in love and be prepared for heartbreak.
The first person you fall in love with after your marriage, is as intense as your first love. They are usually the complete opposite of the person you were married to. When you are in this relationship, discover yourself and your needs and boundaries, mess up, do all the wrong things and see what works and what doesn’t. Express yourself as you see fit.
For me, this is a rite of passage. There is always that person, the person you meet in your transition from your old life and into your new life, who teaches you the most about yourself. This person will prepare you, for you; so you can move on entirely and start over again.
If you are anything like me, you missed out on your early twenties–the era of dead end dating, one night stands, failed relationships and a cupboard full of wisdom to wear.
Dive right into all of this and just know you will always come out the other side, no matter how painful it is.
7. See a Therapist
Talk to an objective person with a degree to back it. Someone who isn’t a friend or a family member. And preferably has a minimum of 15 years’ experience. (That is my personal preference though.)
Every one of us has baggage and unresolved trauma, even if we don’t think we do. We all need someone objective to sit and listen, offer advice, a healthy perspective and validate our perceptions. Therapy guides us through our emotions and processing.
You will need and want to process the experiences you have on your adventures.
8. Do not close off to absolutes
I swore off dating certain types of people and guess what? The person who is perfect for me, is all the things I said I never wanted (because I didn’t know what I wanted; I didn’t know who I was).
Open yourself, let down your guard and be prepared for anything. This willingness to accept things or people you never thought you would will expose your heart and invite love in you that you never knew existed.
There is no expiry date for this journey. We don’t need to hurry. We are allowed to move at different speeds.
I am not sure if I will ever marry again. I did swear marriage off for me personally. Then I met someone who made me believe in it again. And I realized that it shouldn’t be a destination to achieve. But rather a destination that is on the cards only in the right circumstances.
Enjoy this adventure while it lasts, because life will surely settle in again. You may even get married again, and look back on this space between as the most precious time—when it was just you. You married yourself, became your own partner, held your own hand, consoled yourself after crying an entire day, went to the movies with yourself, travelled with yourself, shared meals with yourself; you became your own date.
Maybe, you will reflect on the time you spent alone, as the most petrifying and liberating period in your life.
I sure do, it was all worth it; no regrets.
De-motivational speaker. Silly business casual online offline inline out-a-line friendly neighborhood kung-fu pianist. Former virgin Will philosophize for food.
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